vulnerability is vital.
I am sick, and during this time I find myself more vulnerable and open to my own frailty and faults. When I am freezing, shivering though bundled up in sweats, a thermal, my handy trapper hat, and mountains of blankets on a heated mattress, and my thoughts are hazy, I cannot think beyond how I long to be warm.
When I cannot function, but can only rest and recoup, I am forced to face myself… to pause, and to reflect on who I am, what I am doing with my life, and where I am going.
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Who am I?
This seems like it would be a fundamental and easy question, but in reality, I have struggled a lot with self-identity. As I have questioned and broken down my assumptions that formed who I was, I have found myself without a foundation.
For the first time, I felt as though I had no expectations weighing me down like stones tied to my feet, but that I could fly and be whatever I wanted to be. I felt like I had the right to be myself, whoever that was.
Something I quickly realized after this point of being stripped bare was that I had no idea of how to form opinions of my own. I am rather indecisive, most likely because I always tried to be a peacemaker and simply go with the flow of those around me, but when left to my own thoughts it is very difficult for me to decide what I think about any given matter.
A big part of this is not knowing what my new foundation is… my purpose… my moral compass… How am I to know how to live, or who I want to be, without these things?
I am listening. Listening to the stories of others. Listening to the world. Listening for a small whisper to say “this is truth.” I cling to every tidbit I learn from these things with the hope that I will figure out what I think. What I believe. Who I want to be.
Until then… I will watch. I will listen. I will ponder. I will wait.
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What am I doing with my life?
My life is currently composed of obligations. Do this. Do that. Photograph this.
It is exhausting, but I frequently remind myself of the things that are worthwhile within those obligations - People. Connecting. Beauty. Peace. Love.
I do not wish to always live based on obligations and expectations. I will do it for now, but I think I would wither away if it were prolonged too long. (How long is that?)
My life is busy. My life is contradictory.
Joyful and Depressed. Stressed and peaceful. Confused, yet clear.
I am trying to focus on bettering myself.. on investing in things that matter.
I hope to be more tomorrow than I am today. Every day.
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Where am I going?
My life is up in the air. There are many opportunities ahead of me, but I have no idea about what route will play out.
I might finally be married next summer. I might be in graduate school. I might just be working a normal job. I might be photographing weddings (heaven forbid). I might be in this same small town I have lived all my life, or I might be in Montana, New York, California, Louisiana, or a bunch of other locations.
So many possibilities are in front of me, but I must wait to see which will actually be potentials for my rather near future. I have to frequently focus on just breathing, as I get overwhelmed by not having a real plan.
It feels like free-falling. Riveting and captivating, peaceful, and yet still terrifying, since you don’t know if your parachute will really work.
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I am vulnerable. I am small and broken.. but I am growing.
I am strengthening and changing.
I am finding myself.
And watch out, World. You won’t make me crumble. You won’t conquer me.
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I will walk out into the sun with my chin up, and I will bask in its warmth.
I will breathe deeply.
I will seek peace.
I will truly live.
