heather charise

artist | thinker | dreamer

vulnerability is vital.

I am sick, and during this time I find myself more vulnerable and open to my own frailty and faults. When I am freezing, shivering though bundled up in sweats, a thermal, my handy trapper hat, and mountains of blankets on a heated mattress, and my thoughts are hazy, I cannot think beyond how I long to be warm.

When I cannot function, but can only rest and recoup, I am forced to face myself… to pause, and to reflect on who I am, what I am doing with my life, and where I am going.

—

Who am I?

This seems like it would be a fundamental and easy question, but in reality, I have struggled a lot with self-identity. As I have questioned and broken down my assumptions that formed who I was, I have found myself without a foundation. 

For the first time, I felt as though I had no expectations weighing me down like stones tied to my feet, but that I could fly and be whatever I wanted to be. I felt like I had the right to be myself, whoever that was.

Something I quickly realized after this point of being stripped bare was that I had no idea of how to form opinions of my own. I am rather indecisive, most likely because I always tried to be a peacemaker and simply go with the flow of those around me, but when left to my own thoughts it is very difficult for me to decide what I think about any given matter.

A big part of this is not knowing what my new foundation is… my purpose… my moral compass… How am I to know how to live, or who I want to be, without these things?

I am listening. Listening to the stories of others. Listening to the world. Listening for a small whisper to say “this is truth.”  I cling to every tidbit I learn from these things with the hope that I will figure out what I think. What I believe. Who I want to be.

Until then… I will watch. I will listen. I will ponder. I will wait.

—

What am I doing with my life?

My life is currently composed of obligations. Do this. Do that. Photograph this.

It is exhausting, but I frequently remind myself of the things that are worthwhile within those obligations - People. Connecting. Beauty. Peace. Love.

I do not wish to always live based on obligations and expectations. I will do it for now, but I think I would wither away if it were prolonged too long. (How long is that?)

My life is busy. My life is contradictory.

Joyful and Depressed. Stressed and peaceful. Confused, yet clear.

I am trying to focus on bettering myself.. on investing in things that matter.

I hope to be more tomorrow than I am today. Every day.

—

Where am I going?

My life is up in the air. There are many opportunities ahead of me, but I have no idea about what route will play out. 

I might finally be married next summer. I might be in graduate school. I might just be working a normal job. I might be photographing weddings (heaven forbid). I might be in this same small town I have lived all my life, or I might be in Montana, New York, California, Louisiana, or a bunch of other locations.

So many possibilities are in front of me, but I must wait to see which will actually be potentials for my rather near future. I have to frequently focus on just breathing, as I get overwhelmed by not having a real plan.

It feels like free-falling. Riveting and captivating, peaceful, and yet still terrifying, since you don’t know if your parachute will really work.

—

I am vulnerable. I am small and broken.. but I am growing. 

I am strengthening and changing. 

I am finding myself.

And watch out, World. You won’t make me crumble. You won’t conquer me.

—

I will walk out into the sun with my chin up, and I will bask in its warmth.

I will breathe deeply.

I will seek peace.

I will truly live.

  1. kaciewilliams said: I know where you are, friend. I am still there at times. Praying for you! Trust that His sovereignty & your surrender is key, & that alone will be enough. Keep listening, too. Love, love. x
  2. londonsmith said: I’m sick too!
  3. nostalgiasroses said: I…. I am very much like you. Not as far ahead as you are, but in a very similar position in my life… You’ll end up exactly where you need to be at exactly the right time.
  4. heathercharise posted this